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It’s okay!!!

The first step I took to killing myself was believing that life would be a bed of roses. Remember growing up, planning my life & who I’d be at a certain stage and what I would have accomplished. To crown it all, I told myself after achieving all these at 22, I’d get married to my then crush at age 23 and we’ll live happily ever after! Feel free to laugh, I think we have all been there at some point in our lives.

The funny thing is I still didn’t learn, even though life wasn’t necessarily rosy for me, I still kept pushing but I was pushing towards the wrong direction, I was still consciously trying to mould my life into “perfection”. What was I thinking?! For every time I did not get something right or something planned didn’t go my way, I’ll get so angry and depressed, fighting myself & asking why I let things happen that way. While all this was happening, I still hadn’t learnt, I honestly did not understand still. I am sure I was viewing life as a one-way traffic, it was either my way or the highway!

The second step I took to killing myself was not learning how to let go. It took time for me to understand that walking away was as much as a choice as it is an obligation. It takes sacrifice & strength to ever walk away from anything you feel is not good for you. However, the end result is always joy & gladness, it’s always a sigh of relief and gratitude that you left at the time you did.

I’m very young but I’ve found myself walking away from things I felt were not good for me, for my sanity. I’ve had to walk away from love, friends, career, from a future I almost settled for, even family members (yes, you can walk away from toxic family members).

It looked like I made a mistake at first because it came with a really strong feeling of rejection, self-doubt, loneliness & sadness. At some point, I felt like I gave up on the things I loved but in the actual sense, it was me leaving things not good for me & not me giving up. there’s a difference between giving up and walking away. Looking back now, I’m glad I made those decisions.

The older I’ve grown, the more I’ve realised that perfection is an illusion in life. I don’t believe anyone has a “perfect” life because life is filled with ups and downs, highs & lows, you win some, you lose some etc the list goes on. However, the real display of strength is never letting your head down, not allowing yourself wallow in your sunken place for too long, getting up to try again.

I am not sure if I’ll describe me as “very brave”, but I’m very sure I’m capable of bravery, I also don’t think there’s a right time for anything, we are almost never ready for anything until we do it, only then we realise we’re actually more than ready. It’s just the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty that stops us. Doing anything is rarely ever the outcome of a decision made, sometimes you just have to do it like Nike said 😉 lol.

Speaking of walking away, I recognized it was time to walk away when I realized the people I loved were not appreciative of my love, I wondered why it wasn’t working out because they were great people but some great people may not be a great match for you when it comes to love and in life generally. So, I made a choice between the fear of the unknown, the fear of being without them, the fear of not finding anyone who I’ll love like them and the fear of what I knew could destroy me if I don’t walk away.

And I learned!

I learned that It was okay to get it wrong sometimes and get it right after failing so many times, a win is a win. I learned that only I could create the answer I was looking for, regardless of to whom I asked the question. I learned I had to love myself first before letting any other person love me. And finally, I learned that the things you were never meant to leave, will still be there some way, somehow. It’s okay to fall sometimes but promise me, you’ll rise again.

Love ❤,

Henrie.

This thing called “Love”

I stepped out to buy some groceries when I heard a tiny voice say “Ekaaro aunty Eby, e ma ku Valentine oh”, it was the voice of Aunty Bola, the tailor whose shop is just adjacent to my house. Aunty Bola is a pretty young lady, from her face, I’ll say she’s light in complexion but judging from her body, she’s a dark lady, who has three kids but no one knows her husband. It’s not like I care anyway. She seems to know about everyone & everything on the street, I’m sure if there’s an award for gossip of the year, she’ll have no contender. Anyway, she made me realize its Valentine’s Day today.

I smiled, turned around to reciprocate the greeting, “thank you ma” I said as I hurriedly tried to get a bike.

“How are we celebrating it Nah? Where is our brother taking us to?”

She continued talking & the silly bike I tried to stop didn’t see my signal.

I had a confused look on my face, “Our brother?, Aunty Bola please leave me alone, which brother did you give me?”

I replied visibly running out of patience.

“There’s no brother & Valentine is just a normal day to me”

“Haaaaa, Aunty Eby, don’t tell me you don’t love anyone oh, I see the different cars that drop you off everytime, haven’t you picked one guy yet?”

At this point. I was irritated because I knew she was referring to the Taxify drivers that either picked me up or dropped me off anytime I’m going out. I honestly don’t know how I kept my calm all through the annoyingly long & meaningless conversation.

I smiled & said, “Aunty Bola, at the right time, I’ll get my own brother & we’ll celebrate Valentines day together, I really have to walk to the junction to see if I’ll get a bike” I said, as I tried walking away again.

“Okay oh, be safe” she said. I took a deep sigh of relief as I walked down the junction to get a bike.

I thought to myself, what’s all this fuss about Valentine’s Day. I mean, Love is beautiful but while we’re busy loving others, what’s the real definition of love?

I believe there’s more to the word “LOVE” than sharing presents, sexual attractions, and more.

It’s a hard thing to love, it takes conscious efforts. Having someone to love involves honesty, protection, security, doing things you swore you’ll probably never do & trust me, these things are most likely the dumbest things ever, love is kind & the list goes on.

They always say it takes more than love to sustain a marriage. I believe love isn’t about simply choosing to spend your life with someone. It is waking up every day and making the daily choice to spend the rest of your life with the person. It’s about being with a person who would text you good morning not because he/she feels obligated to do so, but because you’re the first thing on his/her mind from the moment he wakes up. Love isn’t passive, it’s an action— a daily choice. It’s never-ending.

However, I’ll love to focus on what I term as the most important kind of love, it is the most neglected type of love: it is SELF LOVE. We often get so overwhelmed by our constant search for love & acceptance that we forget who we are and what makes us happy.

Instead of sitting around waiting for someone to love you, why not choose yourself. Wake up and remind yourself that you are strong and worthy of being loved the way you want to be loved. Maybe, someday, you will get that kind of love from another person, someone capable of allowing you to love them completely.

Happy Valentine’s Day ❤